Woe is Cuspid

By Hollow Bastion

Argh! Is there anybody more frustrated than me at the moment?! I think not. I-THINK-NOT, Sir!

Everyone else began to get cool super powers like levitating objects, manipulating fire and flying. FLYING! Who wouldn’t want to bloody fly? But no, I did not get to fly.

What did I get? I awoke with the ability to grow and shrink my teeth. That’s right, my teeth. What POSSIBLE practical use is there for that? I can’t fend off bank robbers. I can’t stop a murder. On the other hand if Bugs Bunny ever challenged me to a carrot-eating contest, foolish as he is, I would pwn him severely.

You ever tried to pick up a girl (or a guy) by showing them your amazing incisors? Has that ever worked out for you? If you said yes you’re lying through your big ass teeth.

I’m this close to gnawing through my wrists…

...

Let me have a go at it.

...

...

...

What the fark? I’m a-chewin’ and a-chewin’ but I can’t even break skin! Rubbish!

Wait, skin is getting harder and harder the more I chew. Turning white. Dear Lord, please don’t tell me I caught The AIDS. No, it’s like the calcium from my teeth is covering my body.

YES! YE-E-E-ES! Using my canines to fend off those that prey on the weak! Warding off evil with my Super Strong Calcium-Encrusted Fists of Justice!

I.

AM.

CALCIUM MAN!